Monthly Archives: March 2007
St. Patrick, the patron of drunks everywhere is coming to Toronto. Starting today, the festivities created to test the resilience of the human liver and kidneys began with a loud cheer followed by countless of gallons of green beer being poured throughout the city. You go liver! Break down that bitchin’ alcohol!
Our dear Saint Patrick is one of the Catholic Church’s most misunderstood Saints. Perhaps only second to Jesus and Saint Valentine. Don’t you think that if he had known that because of him millions of people would push the limits of their kidneys year in and year out that he might, I don’t know, promoted a healthy eating habit as well?
You know, to balance things out?
…Or whatever happened to Brigid of Kildare and Columba? The other TWO patrons or Ireland? Have you guys even heard of them? They are probably the ones that advocated healthy eating.
So, to celebrate I will be having a small get together as part of my social group at Hemingway’s in Yorkville. What a better place to toast a drinking holiday than in a bar named after one the 20th century’s most celebrated lushes? And a decent writer to boot.
Here is the link to the outing.
Canada – ‘Politeness,’ the white gooey substance that has been injected into generations of unaware Canadian children at birth will finally be hitting drug stores around the world in the second quarter of 2007. The current government, in an attempt at increasing their bottom line, has decided to go public with the slimy, parasitic-like chemical. It will be sold in three doses: Quiescent, East Coaster and Doormat.
USA – CNN fills typical post Oscar’s slow news days with it’s own reality TV show. Producers at CNN are currently producing a new show where “People like you or I,” a CNN spokesperson was quoted as saying, “search though celebrities’ garbage, looking for that great news nugget in the hopes of getting a $500 cash reward.” The show, with a working tittled of either “Guess… Who am I stalking?” or “My Pride Ain’t Worth $501” will premier on CNN in the following weeks.
South Korea – Hordes of South Korean men are rushing to dump their girlfriends in mass to avoid purchasing them gifts for the upcoming White’s Day on March 14th. During last month’s Valentine’s Day, it’s only women who must customarily purchase gifts to both their significant others and every other man they work with. As such, men will relentlessly find girlfriends before February 14th only to dump them before March 14th and save themselves the hassle of returning the favour and make a tidy profit along the way. Which in turn is amplified by celebrating being single on South Korean’s annual Black’s Day on April 14th. Which mostly consists of singles amalgamating to enjoy some noodles in black bean sauce –hence the name– to commiserate their single-hood. Eventually leading into an orgy of pathetically high number of one nights stands. Once again proving that being a man in South Korea is a lot better than being a woman.
Mexico – A Mexican social study published last week warned of the ongoing defection of athletes to the United States. “The statistics are particularly worrisome when applied to sprinters and marathon runners.” said Mr. Roberto Chavez, the Minister of Culture whose office funded the study, “When these trained athletes, who are at their peak athletic performance see the border so close, they can’t help themselves to make a run for it. It is very concerning.” When asked how the problem could be minimized, Mr. Chavez added, “We would not mind having a bit of a brain drain instead, you know like Canada, in order to even numbers out, after all the Olympics are only a few years away.”
Tibet — Buddhist monks, have in an unorthodox display of emotion expressed rare outrage at the growing number of Jehovah Witnesses in the small Himalayan country. As their numbers grow into the thousands, they have been described as “coming out of nowhere like water buffalo lice but three times as difficult to get rid of. Especially when they come to the entrance of your meditation cave, as we do not have doors to slam in their faces like Westerners do. It unbelievable! First it was the Chinese invasion in 1950 and now this? I mean, f*ck them and their damn Watch Towers!” said Master Songtsen Gampo, head of Lhasa’s largest monastery temple.
France – French women, in a surreal yet unified statement released to the media today have vowed to never date French men again. “Women from all over the world have been warning us for ages about their rodent-like looks, smugness and cheesy accents. True we were stubborn to listen and surely red wine was partly to blame but we have seen the light! We will be looking at resumes of men around the world who would like to fill the opening of “French male.”