NewsBrief Part VII: Dove: 99% Pure – Uh, Pure What?

Toronto – For years Dove Soap has boasted the quality of their product by ramming us with ‘mild cleansing ingredients.’ Over and over and from all directions in the hope we would end up accepting them, maybe even enjoy them. What is more disturbing is their utter refusal to publicly share the composition of those mild cleansing ingredients and to a lesser extend letting us in on what comprises the remaining ‘non’ mild cleansing ingredients. ‘It was only a matter of time before conspiracy theorists began flocking. They knew we would start to take notice and began speculating what exactly Dove was made of. Just like the roves of scientists and priests who until this very day still wonder what is Ivory soap –Dove’s archenemy and competitor in the soap racket– 99% pure of. Pure what? Dried dove droppings? Cocaine? Children bits? It is a complete mystery.’ Said Walter Deminski, a professional conspiracy theorist.

‘I have worked on many conspiracies in the past like the JFK assassination, the Iraq Wars and the ‘How do they put the Caramel inside the Caramilk bar? paradox. But this one has us baffled. I devised the Soylent Green theory, but I know others are salivating for the credit. I just know it.’ When asked why they could not simply throw a sample under a microscope and do a chemical analysis Mr. Deminski added, ‘You mean, like a real test? No we can’t. That costs money. You know, with the Prime Minister being a CSIS operative and taxing us to death, most conspiracy theorist can barely afford smokes and groceries. But, shhh…don’t tell anyone I said that.’

Dove recently launched a new ‘Campaign for Real Beauty,’ an ad campaign designed to challenge unrealistic images of women in advertising but only as long as they buy Dove products. ‘They knew we were closing in,’ said Mr. Deminski. ‘They knew it. I suspected they would drop it. They wouldn’t risk us figuring it out. Another mystery solved!’

– This and other NewsBriefs are printed on the Toike Okie. U of T’s premier satirical source since 1908. –

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