Category: The Happy Hormone News

  • Newsbriefs Part V: Hudson Bay Company to Rewrite Own History

    Found­ed in 1670, back when Cana­da was pro­nounced ‘Kana­ta,’ the beaver was the King of the preda­tors and the British and French mocked each oth­er with slurs like: “Aha, you have a fun­ny accent!’ A small HBC rose to become what it has been for more than three cen­turies: a Cana­di­an bea­con, a sym­bol of nation­al pride, and as of late a com­pa­ny who sold out to an Amer­i­can dandy with a few bil­lions burn­ing a hole in his pant pock­et.

    When the world is your oys­ter,’ said new HBC own­er Jer­ry Zuck­er after the $1.5 bil­lion pur­chase, ‘you can get bored of oys­ter juice pret­ty quick­ly.’ When asked what the fuck he meant Zuck­er replied, ‘I decid­ed to start buy­ing his­to­ry! I am a genius!’ When pressed to stop smok­ing mar­i­jua­na on inter­views, Mr. Zuck­er fur­ther explained, ‘Now that I own the HBC group, I am offi­cial­ly chang­ing its place in his­to­ry, and I am writ­ing myself in it.’

    After ask­ing Mr. Zuck­er for a few tokes of what was obvi­ous­ly good cannabis; he con­tin­ued, ‘they spread insa­tiably far and wide and with­out mer­cy; they were the Star­bucks of your ear­ly nation. But its his­to­ry is a sleep­er; there are no car chas­es and noth­ing ever blows up good. I am going to change all that.’ After a few min­utes, it all start­ed mak­ing sense. ‘That’s some good shit, Sir,’ said this reporter.

    Through­out its his­to­ry, HBC rep­re­sent­ed Cana­da as a mosa­ic of over­priced wet, smelly furs to just over­priced cloth­ing today. ‘That’s great and good, but I thought for exam­ple, what if HBC employ­ees trav­elled through Cana­da in heli­copters as ear­ly as the 1700’s? That makes sense to me, I always want­ed to be live in the 1700’s and I AM a cer­ti­fied pilot. I have tons of changes in mind, like why didn’t fur traders use machine guns? They are awe­some! If they had used them they would have fought com­pe­ti­tion off more eas­i­ly. If that had been the case, then maybe I would not have been able to buy HBC now. Woah, chick­en and the egg man, chick­en and the egg…’

    Watch for HBC’s revised his­to­ry to hit HBC’s books sec­tion as ear­ly as this sum­mer.

    –This and all News­briefs have been pub­lished at the Uni­ver­si­ty of Toron­to’s satir­i­cal news­pa­per The Toike Okie, and/or the even more twist­ed Bruck­News e‑zine.–

  • Newsbriefs: Part IV

    Rogers Expands Rogers on Demand

    TORONTO- Rogers Com­mu­ni­ca­tions ever-grow­ing lust to build an impe­ri­ous monop­oly over Cana­di­ans announced today details about their upcom­ing sec­ond-gen­er­a­tion Rogers On Demand ser­vice.

    ‘It fun­ny how it came to us,’ said an unapolo­getic Ted Rogers, ‘(The board and) I sat in my arbore­tum, just beneath my own small ten foot gold stat­ue of myself won­der­ing just how to expand the ser­vice beyond just movies. Then it hit us. Not every­one likes to just watch movies.’

    Accord­ing to their news release, Rogers On Demand will now include ser­vices from drugs, gam­bling and pros­ti­tu­tion. ‘We sim­ply could not believe we had neglect­ed such an obvi­ous mar­ket before. It might be a low denom­i­na­tor clien­tele, but we are talk­ing hun­dreds of mil­lions here.’ added Andrew Cor­ri­pio head of Rogers’s glob­al mar­ket­ing.

    ‘You will find our prices to be very com­pet­i­tive. Not only that, there is also the extra advan­tage of bundling Rogers On Demand with any of our oth­er tele­pho­ny or cable ser­vices, trust me, you will def­i­nite­ly see some real sav­ings on your month­ly bill. We are very excit­ed about our prospects.’

    After being asked about the fact this ini­tia­tive might be con­sid­ered ille­gal by both local and fed­er­al author­i­ties, Mr. Rogers added: ‘I have nev­er giv­en a fuck about what they thought in the past, I see no rea­son why to I should care now.’

  • Newsbriefs: Part II

    How to be an Inter­net Playa!

    It was only a mat­ter of time before tech­nol­o­gy and the human mat­ing dance met face to face, went out for a few drinks and end­ed up in a Super 8. The result? A cyber-jun­gle of IM ser­vices plus a vol­ley of sin­gle, dat­ing and dis­crete encoun­ters sites. A scene not much dif­fer­ent than the de-human­iz­ing meat-mar­kets found in any half lit night­club, it seemed like things were just going to be busi­ness as usu­al.

    BUT WAIT!
    With the inven­tion of that great equal­iz­er known as the Inter­net, it is final­ly irrel­e­vant if you are shy or if your friends call you a Picas­so come to life!

    THERE IS MORE!
    Now not only the ludi­crous­ly hot (not you) and extro­vert­ed can enjoy the sin­ful plea­sures of stray­ing into the fan­cy of mul­ti­ple part­ners, whether you like it or not!

    BUT WAIT!
    ‘How does this remark­able sys­tem, undoubt­ed­ly cre­at­ed by a sage in the arts of seduc­tion works,’ you ask?

    Sim­ple, I made it a per­son­al quest to trav­el the world, hop­ping from frisky Jamaica, to roman­tic Paris and to the more lais­sez-faire city of Ams­ter­dam to col­lect research. The rest of Europe, Asia, and Africa were also on the itinerary—somewhere— but unfor­tu­nate­ly, I got as far as myth­i­cal Lon­don, Ontario before run­ning out of funds and forced to use a Mon­ey-Mart to buy the bus trip home. Either way, after ten min­utes of Googling, I was able to extract the elixir to cre­ate this rev­o­lu­tion­ary sys­tem.

    WOW, I AM GETTING A LITTLE EXCITED!
    Yes, and you should be.

    TELL ME MORE!
    As part of your guide into his­to­ry, you will receive my smoul­der­ing ‘How to be an Inter­net Play­er’ guide, smack full of essays and ‘how-to’ nuggets. Such as:

    Chap­ter I:
    Don’t offer to buy her a drink, you stu­pid.
    Chap­ter III:
    Typos as the lubri­cant of Inter­net love.
    Chap­ter VI (a):
    Stretch­ing the truth is just anoth­er way of say­ing ‘I like you.’
    Chap­ter VI (b):
    Instant Mes­sen­gers are crude forms of com­mu­ni­ca­tion, so what if you said you are 6’3’?
    Chap­ter VI ©:
    Hav­ing a six pack means dif­fer­ent things to dif­fer­ent peo­ple. How to just go with it.
    Chap­ter IIX:
    Ask her which Hol­ly­wood star she thinks is hot; then tell her you just hap­pen to be his look-alike! If you have any qualms with this, refer to Chap­ter II.
    Chap­ter X:
    How come the women on the Laval­ife dat­ing web­site don’t look any­thing like the ones in the com­mer­cials? The mys­tery explained!
    Chap­ter XIII:
    How to type with only your left hand.
    Chap­ter XX:
    So, she end­ed up being a man? How to just go with it.

    THIS IS PURE GOLD… I AM SALIVATING!
    Yes, but there is more! Aside this soon to-be New York best sell­er, you will also get my 24\7 email sup­port in case you have any ques­tions. Yes, I will per­son­al­ly read and ana­lyze your con­cerns and will advise in a true men­tor like fash­ion. Send me your ques­tions and orders to: Sendmeyourmoney@techemail.com

    IS THERE A CATCH?
    Are dia­monds ever free? Most women have to get mar­ried just to get one. But don’t wor­ry; you don’t have to mar­ry me. I will set­tle for only five easy pay­ments of $19.95! Yes! Ben­e­fit from my lack of pride! You will be enjoy­ing the ben­e­fits of this bril­liant sys­tem in no time, whether you like it or not!

  • Rogers does it again!

    I real­ly dis­like Rogers. I am one of the many who has had a his­to­ry of bad expe­ri­ences with their ser­vices. Also, I have found some of their pro­ce­dures to be sneaky and under­hand­ed.

    For exam­ple, I got a Nokia 6190 through Rogers three years ago due to a cor­po­rate deal I was illeg­i­ble through my place of work. When I got it, I was advised by the sales­man in the cor­po­rate store that I had fif­teen (15) days to try the phone and if I did not like it – either phone or ser­vice or both— that I could return it for a full refund. ‘Okay,’ I thought, ‘that’s fair.’ Case in point, Fido used to have a thir­ty-day return pol­i­cy, but since Rogers bought them they have fall­en into line with their par­ent com­pa­ny and reduced it to fif­teen days as well.

    Luck­i­ly I made my mind of whether to keep the phone or not after a real­ly quick call to my then new voice mail sys­tem. Imag­ine my sur­prise when I called Rogers to can­cel.
    ‘Have you used it?’ Was the CSR’s first ques­tion, ‘Yes, I did.’
    ’Then most like­ly you can­not return the phone.’
    ‘Why?’
    ‘If you use the phone for more then fif­teen (15) min­utes then you void your option to can­cel the con­tract. Unless you pay the ‘con­tract can­cel­la­tion fee.’
    ‘How much is that?’ I asked as I went through the phone’s call timer. ‘Twen­ty dol­lars for every out­stand­ing month, to a lim­it of $200.’
    ‘The man at the cor­po­rate store for­got to men­tioned that small fact.’
    ‘Fif­teen min­utes is pret­ty short, with Fido you can use the phone for as long as you want for 30 days. How is any­one sup­posed to fig­ure how good their phone is if they can only use it for fif­teen min­utes?’ ‘That’s what is in the con­tract, Sir.’

    Wait, so Rogers has a pol­i­cy stat­ing that you may return a phone with­in fif­teen days only if used for less than fif­teen min­utes? What kind of insane clause is that? Had the sales­man men­tioned this fact when I bought the phone my per­cep­tion of my options would have been quite dif­fer­ent. I felt such ‘over­sight’ on the part of the sales­man high­ly under­hand­ed. As I did ask about the excep­tions and lim­i­ta­tions regard­ing their return pol­i­cy.

    ’Eight min­utes,’ I said to the CSR. ‘I have only used the phone for only eight min­utes!’
    ‘Can’t be, because we have been talk­ing for more than 15 min­utes.’
    ‘I am using my land­line.’ You are not get­ting me that eas­i­ly I thought.
    ‘Okay, what I would rec­om­mend then is just drop by the store you bought it and ask for a refund. I would also rec­om­mend that you do not use the phone.’
    ‘Gee, thanks.’

    I got a full refund the next day. But I could not help to won­der how many times this hap­pens out there. Less then a year and a half ago, Peter one of my friends was stuck hav­ing to pay the $200 dol­lars because he made the mis­take of expend­ing his allo­cat­ed 15 min­utes on hold to speak to a CSR to can­cel his ser­vice before the dead­line. ‘You can’t can­cel Sir, you have exceed­ed the fif­teen min­utes usage clause.’
    ‘But I have used them to call your Help line to CANCEL the line.’
    Sor­ry Sir, the lim­i­ta­tion is fif­teen min­utes so in your case to can­cel is no longer an option.’

    In Peter’s case he was forced to pay the $200 as he was advised that his account would oth­er­wise be sent to accounts receiv­able and prompt­ly for­ward­ed to a col­lec­tion agency, which would stain his cred­it rat­ing.

    Mar­cus, col­league of mine, who works with me but used to work for Rogers as a CSR told me that he was reg­u­lar­ly remind­ed by man­age­ment that if they found errors in people’s accounts that they should not bring it up unless a cus­tomer brought it up first. Since accord­ing to man­age­ment the sys­tem would auto cor­rect itself any­way. He nev­er believed it though.

    Which brings me to anoth­er of my sto­ries of woe. I must have been on some cheap drugs but I some­how brought myself to giv­ing Rogers anoth­er try, most­ly due to a very attrac­tive offer my job was once again pro­mot­ing. I bought a Motoro­la T720 and whether it was the abysmal recep­tion (I lived in a con­do 3 min­utes away from their down­town head­quar­ters which is lit­tered with recep­tion tow­ers!) or the fact that every sin­gle bill for the four months I was with them had errors. I end­ed pay­ing the $200 to get the bloody hell out of Rogers. Luck­i­ly I was able to sell the phone so I man­aged to cov­er most of the expense. You can imag­ine my annoy­ance since my Fido account has nev­er had a SINGLE billing error, and I had by then been with them for over 6 years! Too bad Rogers bought Fido last year, and they now share the same billing sys­tem. Damn you Rogers.

    Heck, there is even a guy who got so fed up after being screwed by Rogers that he cre­at­ed a web­site in which peo­ple could voice their rants. He seems to have relaxed a bit, but the rants are still an excel­lent and more often than not hilar­i­ous read: http://www.ihaterogers.ca/index.htm

    On more recent news, you may like to read the fol­low­ing sto­ry that just ran in the Globe and Mail dur­ing the week­end, because if you are with Rogers then this could hap­pen to you. A law pro­fes­sor was in total shock when she received a $12,237.60 bill from Rogers. It seems her phone was stole from her home while away and over three hun­dred long dis­tance calls were charged to her account, includ­ing calls to for­eign coun­tries such as Pak­istan, Libya, Syr­ia, India and Rus­sia. Quite a change from some­one whose aver­age bill is $75. What it is even more shock­ing is Rogers’s propen­si­ty to just look the oth­er way, even though they have admit­ed to pos­sess­ing the tech­nol­o­gy to track fraud-in-process, alarm the client and freeze the account. After all, the true colours of how a cor­po­ra­tion treats its clients are most obvi­ous in the effi­cien­cy it resolves your con­cerns and not by just seat­ing back and col­lect­ing your month­ly pay­ments.
    Good one Rogers, very smooth. Click here for the arti­cle.