Ideas Marinating Blog

The big news in astronomy last week was the discovery of a ‘New Earth’ or as scientist call it Gliese 581 C, proving again why these gentlemen went into astronomy instead of creative writing.

Indeed, the new planet or exo-planet if you will, was found in, wait for it, the Gliese 581 C system and it is the closest rock which resides in what astronomers call ‘the habitable zone’ from its sun. It basically means its surface will not boil you alive or fry you to a crispy bacon-red or leave you frozen solid after only a few seconds exposure. Or suffocate, radiate, evaporate, burn your lungs from the inside out or melt you into a big pile of flesh. Umm, we do have it really good here on this little planet of ours, don’t we? And yet, we are still destroying, burning and polluting the hell out of it. Human stupidity amazes however our greed amazes me even more. But that is another story…

Anyway, back to New Earth…In fact, if you were to lie there you might be left with a nice even tan assuming of course you had somehow managed to get there and there is oxygen for you to breathe. Since quite frankly almost everything we know about this planet comes mostly from speculation.

Sure, we can apply some models and some seriously nerdy math and get pretty close as to guessing its weight, mass, volume, orbit, gravity, age and possibly what it had for dinner. However the one thing we can’t know for sure is the question which is on everyone’s mind, whether life there exists.

I would like to know if there is life on this little planet orbiting a red dwarf for the simple reason that it will give the human race something to think about. A point –a planet sized point— worth of perspective and maybe some insight into our beliefs. I would love to see how organized religions try to handle this one. No intelligent design here boys and girls! Unless God, that two-timing, work-a-holic deity lied to us and was moonlighting and creating other planets during that first week. The earth is only six thousand years old, you know.

Since every time science rebuffs some wacky idea written in a secular book not meant to be taken literally –yet taken literally by millions– organized religion’s heart suddenly jumps and skips a beat. Then they gasp for air and just like that, the beliefs that had been held as correct, worshiped and unchangeable for centuries gets suddenly changed in order to avoid looking like a rustic belief system from a bygone era. Yup, just like that!

So, my main question is, if one day, we discover intelligent life in Gliese 581C… as it will take a while before we know for certain because although the planet is only 20.5 light-years away, this translates into a 730,000 year trip in our currently fastest craft, best bet for communication is radio, but even that would take 20 years… I wonder, what will their Jesus look like?

Footnote – ‘Gliese’ is the name of a catalogue of all the stars which have been found since 1991 and are within 25 parsecs of our sun. Think of it as a very large, Ikea catalogue, with stars instead of disposable furniture.

St. Patrick, the patron of drunks everywhere is coming to Toronto. Starting today, the festivities created to test the resilience of the human liver and kidneys began with a loud cheer followed by countless of gallons of green beer being poured throughout the city. You go liver! Break down that bitchin’ alcohol!
Our dear Saint Patrick is one of the Catholic Church’s most misunderstood Saints. Perhaps only second to Jesus and Saint Valentine. Don’t you think that if he had known that because of him millions of people would push the limits of their kidneys year in and year out that he might, I don’t know, promoted a healthy eating habit as well?

You know, to balance things out?

…Or whatever happened to Brigid of Kildare and Columba? The other TWO patrons or Ireland? Have you guys even heard of them? They are probably the ones that advocated healthy eating.
So, to celebrate I will be having a small get together as part of my social group at Hemingway’s in Yorkville. What a better place to toast a drinking holiday than in a bar named after one the 20th century’s most celebrated lushes? And a decent writer to boot.

Here is the link to the outing.

Canada – ‘Politeness,’ the white gooey substance that has been injected into generations of unaware Canadian children at birth will finally be hitting drug stores around the world in the second quarter of 2007. The current government, in an attempt at increasing their bottom line, has decided to go public with the slimy, parasitic-like chemical. It will be sold in three doses: Quiescent, East Coaster and Doormat.

USA – CNN fills typical post Oscar’s slow news days with it’s own reality TV show. Producers at CNN are currently producing a new show where “People like you or I,” a CNN spokesperson was quoted as saying, “search though celebrities’ garbage, looking for that great news nugget in the hopes of getting a $500 cash reward.” The show, with a working tittled of either “Guess… Who am I stalking?” or “My Pride Ain’t Worth $501” will premier on CNN in the following weeks.
South Korea – Hordes of South Korean men are rushing to dump their girlfriends in mass to avoid purchasing them gifts for the upcoming White’s Day on March 14th. During last month’s Valentine’s Day, it’s only women who must customarily purchase gifts to both their significant others and every other man they work with. As such, men will relentlessly find girlfriends before February 14th only to dump them before March 14th and save themselves the hassle of returning the favour and make a tidy profit along the way. Which in turn is amplified by celebrating being single on South Korean’s annual Black’s Day on April 14th. Which mostly consists of singles amalgamating to enjoy some noodles in black bean sauce –hence the name– to commiserate their single-hood. Eventually leading into an orgy of pathetically high number of one nights stands. Once again proving that being a man in South Korea is a lot better than being a woman.

Mexico – A Mexican social study published last week warned of the ongoing defection of athletes to the United States. “The statistics are particularly worrisome when applied to sprinters and marathon runners.” said Mr. Roberto Chavez, the Minister of Culture whose office funded the study, “When these trained athletes, who are at their peak athletic performance see the border so close, they can’t help themselves to make a run for it. It is very concerning.” When asked how the problem could be minimized, Mr. Chavez added, “We would not mind having a bit of a brain drain instead, you know like Canada, in order to even numbers out, after all the Olympics are only a few years away.”

Tibet — Buddhist monks, have in an unorthodox display of emotion expressed rare outrage at the growing number of Jehovah Witnesses in the small Himalayan country. As their numbers grow into the thousands, they have been described as “coming out of nowhere like water buffalo lice but three times as difficult to get rid of. Especially when they come to the entrance of your meditation cave, as we do not have doors to slam in their faces like Westerners do. It unbelievable! First it was the Chinese invasion in 1950 and now this? I mean, f*ck them and their damn Watch Towers!” said Master Songtsen Gampo, head of Lhasa’s largest monastery temple.
France – French women, in a surreal yet unified statement released to the media today have vowed to never date French men again. “Women from all over the world have been warning us for ages about their rodent-like looks, smugness and cheesy accents. True we were stubborn to listen and surely red wine was partly to blame but we have seen the light! We will be looking at resumes of men around the world who would like to fill the opening of “French male.”