Mauricio Alas

Blog

  • Valentine’s Has Passed!

    Not everyone can get to be an everyday hero on Valentine’s. Not everyone gets to come to the aid of a box full of kittens in front of their beloved’s lustful gaze; feed a homeless person a banana or purchase cigarettes for a minor. For those lucky to be attached during or around February the 14th, chances are you did “OK.” You purchased that nice, hopefully thoughtful gift or experience the melodrama of making reservations at a restaurant during Western society’ most marketed holiday after Santa Claus’ day.

    But I ask of you, what about the underdogs? Those people out there who neither fame nor riches has helped them in their quest for that especial someone? There are people out there, not only joe-six-pack or divorcered soccer moms, these are people of the social elite who have at one point been a victim of Cupid’s sardonic humour rather than helped by the steward of love that has been engraved in our heads thanks to endless marketing.

    True Valentine Horror Stories

    Now that Hallmark’s holiday has come and gone is time to call it what it is: a “Hallmark’s Holiday” and that is to put it nicely –as this is a quality, respectful blog— Valentine’s Day has become far too glamorized. Not everything is roses and chocolates out there. Sometimes it’s a war zone where your heart is no man’s land. Don’t believe it? Then you are deluded and probably on some cheap meds. As such, if you are lucky to have survived with your ego intact then maybe you won’t get suckered into Valentine’s next year. Still don’t believe? Then here are the experiences of some poor celebrity testimnials from souls who have been scarred for life:

    Mark Hamill:
    ‘I finally worked the nerve to ask this lady I had been eyeing since ’96. The date was going great, until I couldn’t help to murmur to myself: ‘The force is strong with you tonight, Luke…’ Suddenly, she twitched in horror and said, ‘Oh, you are THAT guy.’ She then excused herself to the ladies room never to be heard from again. I should really stop reliving the past.’

    Paul Martin:
    ‘I lost my cushy ass job; my gerbil turned NDP and Harper is now wearing my old jammies! How would you feel?’

    Paris Hilton:
    ‘I like told my boyfriend of the week we could get a room and make a sex tape. And like, he got all upset. I don’t get it.’

    Eddie Murphy:
    ‘Actually, I am happily married, but my agent can’t get me any auditions so I had to settle for you people. I am starving here. How come no one told me I can’t sing for shit?’

    Britney Spears:
    ‘I asked Kevin to surprise me on Valentine’s Day. He got up really early for once, then went out and got a real job at a Jack in the Box but got fired the same day for slacking. I wasn’t surprised, but somehow I got pregnant, again. BUY MY ALBUM!

    Bill Gates:
    ‘I am also married, but I was wondering when you would show up…’

    Kate Moss:
    ‘So he opened this baggie, I thought it was baby talc, I swear!’

    Colin Ferell:
    Why am I on this list?

    Angelina Jolie:
    I am with Colin. Who are you fucking people?

  • Poetry Corner: Somnio, Spero, Victum!

    Now, you are sleeping, so late at night
     
    Eyes closed and lost in dreams
    I think of you. In the frost of winter,
    where nothing clear it seems
     
    Yet, your lover thinks
    That he does deem
    Indeed, he is so lucky
    To cherish you, my love, so he can you esteem
     
    Hold close in thy arms
    feel through the seems
    The grains of passion
    Too small to be seen, yet strong enough to hold
     
    A love, sensible and tight.
    We both know what it means
    Yes, we are afraid. Yes, we are…
    But we know is THERE.
     
    We are afraid.
    So afraid. To be hurt, yet again.
    But it cannot be denied
    What we feel should not be strained
     
    Or be misguided. Why? Because it is wrong and safe?
    Since it is easy, for what? To throw it all away?
    Why? You know why? We done it both before
    We are better than that now.
     
    We are no longer stone.
    We’ve grown, no longer alone
    Whether through mistake or fault,
    As we painters
     
    Of life’s canvas
    We color and shade
    To be in love and behave, not to linger or just play
    But for once, yes finally in life, to truly, in love to stay
     

  • Dialogues I: ” Peter”

    “On your way to a job interview,” said my old boss who was also a good friend, “you must always be prepared.”

    “No kidding.”

    “Be serious! You only have one chance to make a good impression.” He continued.

    “The secret to success, is to read them before they read you. Companies are faceless corporations. Pure evil. Ready to toss you down the deadwood-chute the moment you cease to be useful or in your case, if they don’t like you.”

    “Uh?”

    “However in the end companies are run by people. Now, people are not evil but quite likable or at least, that is what you want them to believe. Everyone loves to feel they are better than everyone else: Special. Even if they don’t admit it.”

    “I fear a sense of horrible irony in what I am about to hear…”

    “That’s what you got to exploit. That’s your ticket in!”

    “One word: Cynical.”

    “You want to get the job or are you going to insult me?”

    “May I do both?”

    Peter then went on about a famous story from his past or something more akin to an anthology of them. Everyone always liked those. They were always funny and fantastical: Like, Spiderman-swings-in-and-sa

    ves-a-convent-full-of-nuns-from-berserk–Gigolos fantastical. Such stories, you quickly learn to hear with a healthy side of a grain of salt. Otherwise, your brain simply explodes.

    “When on my first job interview at an insurance company, a would-be manager asked me a series of questions meant to throw you off and think on your feet. Like: ‘Where would you see yourself in 5 years?’ I love time traveling questions. Or ‘Tell us a time where you were in conflict with someone and you just magically fixed it.’ Or ‘what would you do if your found your boss stealing office supplies?’ (I would have said blackmail) and other sanity-vague diatribe.

    The point: No one wants to hire a moron. No one will ever say that to your face, of course. But now that I am a manager, trust me, they do. Sometimes walking an interviewee out without bursting in sub-political correct cachinnation is the hardest part of the interview!”

    “Cachinnation? Really? You are a bastard Peter…”

    “What is your strongest weakness?!” My manager said. “That one does come to mind a lot.”

    “Isn’t that a Wynonna Judd song?”

    “Silly no fuck!”

    “What did you say?”

    “…He was my strongest weakness… I surrendered heart and soul…”

    “Shut up. You did not said that.”

    “I said something about working too hard for my own good, but I was on the process of balancing it out with some sports.”

    “Sounds normal, and he believed you?”

    “Here is where you must shine: The Look. Everyone knows these answers are anal and vacuous. The internet has made sure to spread that fact far and wide. But the look and tone mixed in with a hint of a honest smile throws them off. That is what sells it. Don’t over do it, you don’t want to come off car-salesman smooth. Everyone hates that! And you will come off as if you are lying. That is something you want to avoid at all costs!

    “Isn’t that exactly what I would be doing though?”

    “See? Right there. You just failed to get the job.”

    Wondered if asking Peter was a very, very, bad idea.

    “Oh, wait, I will tell you my favourite question! At another interview few years later, a manager asked in a very serious and imposing tone:
    ‘Hypothetically, after you got the job, if my manager, came in here. Pointed out the window there and told you the sky was purple and I said to him it was blue… and he asked for your opinion. What would your answer be?’

    “Finally, an interestingly attitude question…” I thought.

    “I said you could not see the sky because it was in fact overcast.”

    “Wha? You did not say that either! You are really BS’ing now.”

    “He said it was hypothetical. Didn’t see a hipothericalistic thought sale at Costco. Its free. Anyone can use it.”

    “What did he say?”

    “He just sat there. Index finger raised upward, mouth opened, as if he was going to say something. After about 10 seconds he asked me if I could come up with anything else. I added we should definitely call his wife, as I would be worried for his boss going home and careening right through a red light.

    “Hahahaha…And?”

    “I hired you two years later, didn’t I?.” Peter said, smiling.

    “Spiderman saves the day, again.” I thought.
    In the end, I got the job. Not sure how but definitely not thanks to Peter’s advise.

  • Dialogues I: " Peter"

    “On your way to a job interview,” said my old boss who was also a good friend, “you must always be prepared.”

    “No kidding.”

    “Be serious! You only have one chance to make a good impression.” He continued.

    “The secret to success, is to read them before they read you. Companies are faceless corporations. Pure evil. Ready to toss you down the deadwood-chute the moment you cease to be useful or in your case, if they don’t like you.”

    “Uh?”

    “However in the end companies are run by people. Now, people are not evil but quite likable or at least, that is what you want them to believe. Everyone loves to feel they are better than everyone else: Special. Even if they don’t admit it.”

    “I fear a sense of horrible irony in what I am about to hear…”

    “That’s what you got to exploit. That’s your ticket in!”

    “One word: Cynical.”

    “You want to get the job or are you going to insult me?”

    “May I do both?”

    Peter then went on about a famous story from his past or something more akin to an anthology of them. Everyone always liked those. They were always funny and fantastical: Like, Spiderman-swings-in-and-sa

    ves-a-convent-full-of-nuns-from-berserk–Gigolos fantastical. Such stories, you quickly learn to hear with a healthy side of a grain of salt. Otherwise, your brain simply explodes.

    “When on my first job interview at an insurance company, a would-be manager asked me a series of questions meant to throw you off and think on your feet. Like: ‘Where would you see yourself in 5 years?’ I love time traveling questions. Or ‘Tell us a time where you were in conflict with someone and you just magically fixed it.’ Or ‘what would you do if your found your boss stealing office supplies?’ (I would have said blackmail) and other sanity-vague diatribe.

    The point: No one wants to hire a moron. No one will ever say that to your face, of course. But now that I am a manager, trust me, they do. Sometimes walking an interviewee out without bursting in sub-political correct cachinnation is the hardest part of the interview!”

    “Cachinnation? Really? You are a bastard Peter…”

    “What is your strongest weakness?!” My manager said. “That one does come to mind a lot.”

    “Isn’t that a Wynonna Judd song?”

    “Silly no fuck!”

    “What did you say?”

    “…He was my strongest weakness… I surrendered heart and soul…”

    “Shut up. You did not said that.”

    “I said something about working too hard for my own good, but I was on the process of balancing it out with some sports.”

    “Sounds normal, and he believed you?”

    “Here is where you must shine: The Look. Everyone knows these answers are anal and vacuous. The internet has made sure to spread that fact far and wide. But the look and tone mixed in with a hint of a honest smile throws them off. That is what sells it. Don’t over do it, you don’t want to come off car-salesman smooth. Everyone hates that! And you will come off as if you are lying. That is something you want to avoid at all costs!

    “Isn’t that exactly what I would be doing though?”

    “See? Right there. You just failed to get the job.”

    Wondered if asking Peter was a very, very, bad idea.

    “Oh, wait, I will tell you my favourite question! At another interview few years later, a manager asked in a very serious and imposing tone:
    ‘Hypothetically, after you got the job, if my manager, came in here. Pointed out the window there and told you the sky was purple and I said to him it was blue… and he asked for your opinion. What would your answer be?’

    “Finally, an interestingly attitude question…” I thought.

    “I said you could not see the sky because it was in fact overcast.”

    “Wha? You did not say that either! You are really BS’ing now.”

    “He said it was hypothetical. Didn’t see a hipothericalistic thought sale at Costco. Its free. Anyone can use it.”

    “What did he say?”

    “He just sat there. Index finger raised upward, mouth opened, as if he was going to say something. After about 10 seconds he asked me if I could come up with anything else. I added we should definitely call his wife, as I would be worried for his boss going home and careening right through a red light.

    “Hahahaha…And?”

    “I hired you two years later, didn’t I?.” Peter said, smiling.

    “Spiderman saves the day, again.” I thought.
    In the end, I got the job. Not sure how but definitely not thanks to Peter’s advise.