Tag : Toronto
Founded in 1670, back when Canada was pronounced ‘Kanata,’ the beaver was the King of the predators and the British and French mocked each other with slurs like: “Aha, you have a funny accent!’ A small HBC rose to become what it has been for more than three centuries: a Canadian beacon, a symbol of national pride, and as of late a company who sold out to an American dandy with a few billions burning a hole in his pant pocket.
When the world is your oyster,’ said new HBC owner Jerry Zucker after the $1.5 billion purchase, ‘you can get bored of oyster juice pretty quickly.’ When asked what the fuck he meant Zucker replied, ‘I decided to start buying history! I am a genius!’ When pressed to stop smoking marijuana on interviews, Mr. Zucker further explained, ‘Now that I own the HBC group, I am officially changing its place in history, and I am writing myself in it.’
After asking Mr. Zucker for a few tokes of what was obviously good cannabis; he continued, ‘they spread insatiably far and wide and without mercy; they were the Starbucks of your early nation. But its history is a sleeper; there are no car chases and nothing ever blows up good. I am going to change all that.’ After a few minutes, it all started making sense. ‘That’s some good shit, Sir,’ said this reporter.
Throughout its history, HBC represented Canada as a mosaic of overpriced wet, smelly furs to just overpriced clothing today. ‘That’s great and good, but I thought for example, what if HBC employees travelled through Canada in helicopters as early as the 1700’s? That makes sense to me, I always wanted to be live in the 1700’s and I AM a certified pilot. I have tons of changes in mind, like why didn’t fur traders use machine guns? They are awesome! If they had used them they would have fought competition off more easily. If that had been the case, then maybe I would not have been able to buy HBC now. Woah, chicken and the egg man, chicken and the egg…’
Watch for HBC’s revised history to hit HBC’s books section as early as this summer.
–This and all Newsbriefs have been published at the University of Toronto’s satirical newspaper The Toike Okie, and/or the even more twisted BruckNews e-zine.–
Rogers Expands Rogers on Demand
TORONTO- Rogers Communications ever-growing lust to build an imperious monopoly over Canadians announced today details about their upcoming second-generation Rogers On Demand service.
‘It funny how it came to us,’ said an unapologetic Ted Rogers, ‘(The board and) I sat in my arboretum, just beneath my own small ten foot gold statue of myself wondering just how to expand the service beyond just movies. Then it hit us. Not everyone likes to just watch movies.’
According to their news release, Rogers On Demand will now include services from drugs, gambling and prostitution. ‘We simply could not believe we had neglected such an obvious market before. It might be a low denominator clientele, but we are talking hundreds of millions here.’ added Andrew Corripio head of Rogers’s global marketing.
‘You will find our prices to be very competitive. Not only that, there is also the extra advantage of bundling Rogers On Demand with any of our other telephony or cable services, trust me, you will definitely see some real savings on your monthly bill. We are very excited about our prospects.’
After being asked about the fact this initiative might be considered illegal by both local and federal authorities, Mr. Rogers added: ‘I have never given a fuck about what they thought in the past, I see no reason why to I should care now.’
Stage: College subway station about a block from my place, catching up with a friend while she waited for a Streetcar. I had not seen in her for a few months but I had just given her my still valid TTC day pass.
‘…And that’s what the note said in the book I went to pick up today… I thought it peculiar.’
(Read: ‘A bishop, a belcher and Stevie’ in the December archives)
She looked blankly at me for a few seconds.
‘You know, you are weird.’
‘Huh? What did you say?’
‘You are weird Mauricio.’
‘…Because I told you about what happened to me with the book?’
She then proceeded to tap me lightly on my chest.
‘Thank you for not dating me.’
‘Huh?’ (She had a thing for me at the beginning of ’05)
Some awkward silence followed.
Weird? Like weird?’ I said holding my tongue, although I was starting to warm it up in case she maelstrom-ed on me.
Then the streetcar came.
‘Okay bye,’ she said as she tapped my shoulder. ‘Thanks for the day pass.’
Yes, I got I annoyed. So I said it like it is:
‘I see, this coming from a woman who married a Dominican after knowing him for less than two weeks at one-week intervals throughout the summer and is now trying to bring him to Canada under the pretence that he will love you forever? In case you are wondering, I am not the one importing a husband. So be careful who you call weird. Measure your words.’
She gave me a look that reeked to disdain as she left for her street car. Mmm, I doubt she will be calling anytime soon.