Tag : Geek

STUDY REVEALS: Nerds Get Laid More In Adulthood Than Any Other High School Clique.

Chicago – A new study spear-headed by the Sigma Xi Scientific Research Society released its results last week after two years of statistic and physiologic data collecting. Its results were of no surprise to the scientists involved, or anyone with an IQ higher than 138 points.

‘We found that on average, an IQ of 138 was the cut off figure a High School aged youth could no longer masquerade his intellect or brainy interests convincingly enough away from his peers.’ Said Dr. Carlton, Head Researcher of the “Virgin Project” as it became affectionately known. ‘The idea of the initiative was to determine why high IQ students tend to sexually lag behind their less intellectual school mates. It has always seemed like a case of Darwinism in reverse.’

The experiment consisted of rounding up 12,500 subjects from twenty different High schools from around the country who had to fill a questionnaire probing into their career, social and sexual views and accomplishments. ‘The results were quite astonishing at first,’ Dr. Carlton commented, ‘and very soon, the pattern basically hit us right on the head like a Klingon death dart.’

The studies showed most ‘jocks, cheerleaders and the generally cool crowd’ in High school are now stuck in dead end jobs and drinking their sorrows on Friday and/or Saturday nights. Have barely expanded their social circles and are constantly reminiscing about the ‘good old days.’ ‘In some instances,’ Dr. Carlton commented ‘A few subjects were actually employed in companies ran by the same individual they used to pull wedgies on. It is a case of extreme poetic justice.’

The results even illustrated instances of sad irony as in the case of Jacob Williams. Back in high school he was the soccer team captain for three years running. ‘Yeah, I got some sweet snatch back then, drank like a fish too, yeah, those were good years. (But) lately my career has been taking most of my time.’ Unfortunately, our interview at his place of work was cut short by a phone call, which required his immediate attention. ‘If you excuse me.’ Said Williams as he placed the phone back onto the receiver. ‘I gotta run. Some yuppie loser just puked his guts out in the men’s washroom on the 17th floor.’

The status quo of the study showed intellectual prowess and the willingness to apply it in scholarly interest proportionally reduced the chances of a student getting laid.

‘I was chess captain in high school and it was not until university that I kissed my first woman.’ Reported one Oscar Escobado, ‘But after I got my medical practice going, women have been practically throwing themselves at me. Honestly, I lost count how many I have had in the sack. You could say that I came back with a vengeance.’

The data also showed ‘Nerds’ tended to be better lovers than their ‘cool’ counterparts regardless of their financial success as their self-esteem with the opposite sex is permanently damaged. As such, a desire to always try harder, more passionately and/or for longer is ingrained in their psyche early in their teenager years as they feel they are never quite good enough. ‘We called it the Ugly-Duckling Syndrome.’ Said Dr. Carlton. It was also noted that none of the spouses or significant other of those in the study ever complained or seemed to mind their partner’s obvious emotional unbalance.

‘It was almost impossible to conceal my astuteness when you can remember what was taught three weeks before or the fact that I had to keep correcting the teacher on her calculus solving skills. Back then; being smart was like the kiss of death. Mind you, my ex-playmate wife things I am over exaggerating.’ Said one George Kyperous from his private yacht. Now a multi-millionaire whose patent of a drug that nullifies nicotine addiction is being subsidized by cigarette companies who are paying him not to bring his invention to market.

The project even had a chance to reunite many subjects who had not heard or seen of each other in years. As was in the case of Stevenson “Stevie” McNicoll, a Hyundai mechanic, but a Football God in high school. He had the chance to attempt to amend the years of emotional abuse he inflicted to Josh Patterson — now a powerful stockbroker, member of the board of the Bank of America and married to Miss Florida ‘98. Later that day Mr. Patterson smirked as he commented, ‘When his house is repossessed, we’ll see who’ll be laughing then.’

At the end of the study, it was discovered that in extreme cases chess, debate, science team captains and most serious nerds in general produced an income that was on average twice to five times greater than their entire high school populous combined. ‘Such flexibility, and liquidity in assets,’ Observed Dr. Carlton, ‘Is a humongous turn on for women, who instinctively gravitate toward such needs as companionship, security and diamond jewelry.’

Since the results have been released, The Bank of America and a number of Top 100 companies have generously subsidized the entire funding for the “Virgin Project.”

NewsBrief Part XI: Harvard Student Plays Russian Roulette with Semi-Automatic. Dies.

BOSTON – It was a shock to both faculty and the student body when a suspected murder case on campus was discovered to be nothing more than the self terminating, fool-hardly attempts of a law school undergraduate Michael Sanders out to prove he was still the ‘big man on campus.’

According to witnesses, on Saturday the 20th of this month, Michael crashed a party with three of his friends, drank at least a dozen beers cans, crushing each “empty” on his forehead before noticing a party guest had brought a .9mm Luger semi-automatic and was showing it to a few blond members of a visiting sorority.

Seeing it as an opportunity to improve his fading sovereignty within his fraternity, Michael seized the gun out of the owner’s hand and announced he was still ‘the big man on campus,’ before pointing the gun onto himself.

Witnesses report the victim as laughing out loud as he tried to get the crowd’s attention screaming the words “Russian Roulette, Russian Roulette, who dares me?!” right up to the moment in which he pulled the trigger.

‘It was a desperate cry for attention.’ Said Terry Wales, the newly designated ‘big man on campus.’ ‘He was a wash out and no one took him seriously anymore. He had lost most of his support base late last semester when he started dating a Philosophy grad. That girl really messed him up. Making him go to art galleries, the ballet and read and shit. His stock and street cred had dropped to the level of a freshman.’

The victim’s family was devastated to hear the news as a state of disbelief and fury rippled through the entire Sanders household.

‘How much of a moron do you have to be to play Russian roulette with a semi-automatic gun for Pete’s sake?’ Said Michael’s mother Mary Sanders. ‘Just the thought that he came out of me, that he and I share the same gene pool, is really frightening. If he knew he would be playing dumb-ass macho games like that, the least he could do was think of his family first and have the decency to go to a cheaper college.’

Mr. Sanders expressed utter fear their remaining son, Arthur Sanders could in the future display such idiocy. ‘We had set some money aside for him too,’ explained Mr. Sanders. ‘(But) we aren’t taking any chances. We have worked too long and too hard. I am cashing his trust fund next week. Maybe go around the world with the wife!’

Michael’s younger 17-year-old brother Arthur was quoted as saying; “Mike fucked me up!” over and over.

The family has expressed their full intention of taking legal action against Harvard for what they call “Mind-boggling False Marketing.”

‘They go around flaunting they are one of the best universities in the world! Over 40 Nobel laureates? Oh yeah?! Look what they taught him! Look at what they let my baby do! Doesn’t matter what they say. With the money we payed them, I could have gotten myself an Audi TT instead, and still have my son!”

Harvard University has refused to comment but has not denied its seeking legal counsel from its lawyers on retainer.

Blogs, Blogs, Blogs, Blogs: Blogs!

Just in case you are wondering, I can almost feel the strangle-hold of irony chocking me as I write this. You see, about two years ago I had an interesting conversation about the ‘Year of the Blog.’ My friend and I spoke about ease of accessibility and amazing technology penetration in North America. After a sad and ill-timed prostitution joke or two later, we continued. Just two years ago, blogs although abundant in number resembled an endless field of useless weeds. With only a few leaving the rest behind as they sprouted high, both in content quality and lucrative aspirations. But since then the playing field has changed drastically. The weed field is now millions of times larger. Yup, that’s about it, really.

Now everyone and their illegal gardener Ortiz has one. So what do they write about? Pretty much anything. But when I mean anything, I mean anything. Is this a good thing? With over 50 millions bloggers as of last year and hundreds of thousands of posts a day of people dispersing and rehashing the same stories over and over, one would think the times of a draconian, government controlled media outlet to be a thing of the past –Uh, China anyone?– okay, fine. Aside China that is… –how about North Korea?– okay, fine! In North America, at least… but then I think about the war in Iraq and the ever missing WMD’s… Argh! Forget it. I give up.

So the real question is what is a blog? As the name implies it began as an online log, people would write their thoughts, maybe use it as a portafolio piece *hint-hint*. Whether the writing was childish, deeply insightful or just plain dumb, the point was that they were people’s thoughts, ideas and dreams.

Now it is more about posting something and off the press. Anything people think cool and more importantly, before anyone else does. Take this example: A British guy named Bill gets his laptop stolen. He understandably gets pissed. Then next day logs on to his Flickr account and finds a picture of the thief’s face mistakenly uploaded because the thief forgot to log off bill’s account and sign on to his OWN Flickr account. Don’t believe me, click, here. Before I go on, this is a perfect moment for me to add, there is no such thing that will ever be ‘idiot proof.’ Idiocy, like life will always find a way.

Anyway, keep reading at the bottom, there is post upon post of people saying, “Oh my God, I must blog this RIGHT NOW! They post the picture on their blog and rehash the same tag-line, over and over and over again. What is the point of that? So they can look at themselves through a mirror and say, ‘I blogged. Therefore my job is done!’ In the comment section there are at least fifteen people who have posted that they blogged the pic onto their blogs and the link to their own blogs and asking everyone to take a look. Like, ‘hello!‘ we are at the source why go to a blog? Aside to answer the blogger’s cry for attention? Never mind that Bill just lost over a $1000 dollars in computer equipment.

On that note, an interesting point was raised on last week’s Stephen Colbert Report’s The Word segment a few days ago about Andrew Meyer and blogging. Mayer was the student who not only got jumped by six security guards but also taser-ed for asking one too many questions at a John Kerry event in front of an assembly full of students. Every one stood silent and motionless as Andrew screamed ‘Don’t taser me!’ Thank God for all the people who blogged about it the very next day while Andrew sat in jail. Great way for the blogger generation to lead the charge of civil protest and.

So where are we going to go from here? Aside living our writer and exhibitionist’s wet dreams, are we becoming a society of people whose social discontent, whether larger or small is displayed not through civil outcry but in really mean posts on blogs? Go, go society!

Man, I have an urgent to go for walk.

Gliese 581C, Or “The Bible IS Wrong Planet!”

The big news in astronomy last week was the discovery of a ‘New Earth’ or as scientist call it Gliese 581 C, proving again why these gentlemen went into astronomy instead of creative writing.

Indeed, the new planet or exo-planet if you will, was found in, wait for it, the Gliese 581 C system and it is the closest rock which resides in what astronomers call ‘the habitable zone’ from its sun. It basically means its surface will not boil you alive or fry you to a crispy bacon-red or leave you frozen solid after only a few seconds exposure. Or suffocate, radiate, evaporate, burn your lungs from the inside out or melt you into a big pile of flesh. Umm, we do have it really good here on this little planet of ours, don’t we? And yet, we are still destroying, burning and polluting the hell out of it. Human stupidity amazes however our greed amazes me even more. But that is another story…

Anyway, back to New Earth…In fact, if you were to lie there you might be left with a nice even tan assuming of course you had somehow managed to get there and there is oxygen for you to breathe. Since quite frankly almost everything we know about this planet comes mostly from speculation.

Sure, we can apply some models and some seriously nerdy math and get pretty close as to guessing its weight, mass, volume, orbit, gravity, age and possibly what it had for dinner. However the one thing we can’t know for sure is the question which is on everyone’s mind, whether life there exists.

I would like to know if there is life on this little planet orbiting a red dwarf for the simple reason that it will give the human race something to think about. A point –a planet sized point— worth of perspective and maybe some insight into our beliefs. I would love to see how organized religions try to handle this one. No intelligent design here boys and girls! Unless God, that two-timing, work-a-holic deity lied to us and was moonlighting and creating other planets during that first week. The earth is only six thousand years old, you know.

Since every time science rebuffs some wacky idea written in a secular book not meant to be taken literally –yet taken literally by millions– organized religion’s heart suddenly jumps and skips a beat. Then they gasp for air and just like that, the beliefs that had been held as correct, worshiped and unchangeable for centuries gets suddenly changed in order to avoid looking like a rustic belief system from a bygone era. Yup, just like that!

So, my main question is, if one day, we discover intelligent life in Gliese 581C… as it will take a while before we know for certain because although the planet is only 20.5 light-years away, this translates into a 730,000 year trip in our currently fastest craft, best bet for communication is radio, but even that would take 20 years… I wonder, what will their Jesus look like?

Footnote – ‘Gliese’ is the name of a catalogue of all the stars which have been found since 1991 and are within 25 parsecs of our sun. Think of it as a very large, Ikea catalogue, with stars instead of disposable furniture.