Monthly Archives: March 2006
1.) What is the sound of your head smashing into the ground?
2-) What is the name of the erotic screams you hear from outside your girlfriend’s apartment when surprise her by taking the afternoon off.
3-) A falling skyscraper is not best tool to be used as a sundial, especially if you are inside it.
4-) If a computer is suicidal, does it reboot itself?
5-) Love: Is like a gorgeous and rare flower, it dies
6-) If a jackhammer falls out of the sky, hits you in the head and knocks you into a coma does that mean God doesn’t like you?
7-) Suffering a stroke and a massive coronary failure simultaneously during orgasm blows.
8- He who runs into incoming fire could be called courageous, I prefer ‘bullet sponge.’
9-) Healthy living is alive in Mexico where running for the US border is an Olympic sport.
10-) Enlarged brain tumour due to over use of cell phone verifies that brain size means nothing.
11-) Art is dying! Don’t believe me? See Yoko Ono’s show, and cry.
12-) “Royalty” is a romantic word for “Inbreeding.”
True Valentine Horror Stories:
Now that Hallmark’s holiday has come and gone is time to call it what it is: To put it nicely –as this is quality, respectful publication— Valentine’s Day is far too glamorized. Not everything is roses and chocolates out there. Sometimes it’s a war zone where your heart is no man’s land. Don’t believe it? Then you are deluded and probably on some cheap meds. As such, if you are lucky to have survived with your ego intact then maybe you won’t get suckered into Valentine’s next year. Still don’t believe? Then here are the experiences of some poor celebrity souls who are scarred for life:
Mark Hamill:
‘I finally worked the nerve to ask this lady I had been eyeing since ’96. The date was going great, until I couldn’t help to murmur to myself: ‘The force is strong with you tonight, Luke…’ Suddenly, she twitched in horror and said, ‘Oh, you are THAT guy.’ She then excused herself to the ladies room never to be heard from again. I should really stop reliving the past.’
Tom Cruise:
‘Scientology does not have room for trivial beliefs like
Valentine’s day. But if I did then I would make sweaty and disgusting sexual acts with Carlos, I mean Kate. Kate, you know Kate, my wife? The one carrying the son I made with my own sperm?’
Paul Martin:
‘I lost my cushy ass job; my gerbil and Melinda turned NDP and Harper is now wearing my old jammies. How would you feel?’
Paris Hilton:
‘I like told my boyfriend of the week we could get a room and make a sex tape. He got upset. I don’t get it.’
Eddie Murphy:
‘Actually, I am happily married, but my agent can’t get me any auditions so I had to settle for you people. I am starving here. How come no one told me I can’t sing for shit?’
Britney Spears:
’I asked Kevin to surprise me on Valentine’s Day. He got up really early for like once, then went out and got a job at a Jack in the Box but got fired the same day for slacking. I wasn’t surprised, but somehow I got knocked up, again.’
Bill Gates:
“I was wondering when you would show up…’
Kate Moss:
‘So he opened this baggie, I thought it was baby talc, I swear!’
Colin Ferell:
‘Why am I on this list?’
Angelina Jolie:
‘I am with Colin. Who are you fucking people?
Rogers Expands Rogers on Demand
TORONTO- Rogers Communications ever-growing lust to build an imperious monopoly over Canadians announced today details about their upcoming second-generation Rogers On Demand service.
‘It funny how it came to us,’ said an unapologetic Ted Rogers, ‘(The board and) I sat in my arboretum, just beneath my own small ten foot gold statue of myself wondering just how to expand the service beyond just movies. Then it hit us. Not everyone likes to just watch movies.’
According to their news release, Rogers On Demand will now include services from drugs, gambling and prostitution. ‘We simply could not believe we had neglected such an obvious market before. It might be a low denominator clientele, but we are talking hundreds of millions here.’ added Andrew Corripio head of Rogers’s global marketing.
‘You will find our prices to be very competitive. Not only that, there is also the extra advantage of bundling Rogers On Demand with any of our other telephony or cable services, trust me, you will definitely see some real savings on your monthly bill. We are very excited about our prospects.’
After being asked about the fact this initiative might be considered illegal by both local and federal authorities, Mr. Rogers added: ‘I have never given a fuck about what they thought in the past, I see no reason why to I should care now.’
Harper Uncanadian: He ‘Dislikes’ Hockey
Reuters- A barrage of civil unrest has ran amok in Harper’s old riding of Calgary West after it was discovered that Harper ‘dislikes’ Hockey. The verbal travesty was presumably heard by Harper’s cousin’s best friend’s girlfriend at the annual Harper Kegger party held at Stephen’s hometown of Toronto.
According to reports, an anonymous party member channel-surfed the TV to a hockey game; Harper was then heard to have shouted ‘I dislike that!’
‘Even though I was drunk and Harper’s wasn’t facing the TV, and some of the guys were trying to funnel some whiskey down his mouth, I am sure he heard Don Cherry’s play by play. He knew what was going on.’ Said Harper’s cousin’s best friend’s girlfriend, who asked to remain anonymous due to possible retaliation, ‘I am afraid for my tax return, I have a feeling I am not going to get any money back this year.’
In Calgary West the public outcry has been more severe, with dozens of party members looking angry, rumbling among themselves but doing nothing about it.
‘Sure he is the new Prime Minister and had grounds to be ecstatic and I heard that he had to be wasted after having all those body shots. I mean, had he said that something about Lacrosse, maybe even curling, we would understand, but Hockey? That un-Canadian! I just do not know who he is anymore, except maybe a Liberal hippie. Next he will say gay marriage is okay, for Christ’s sake!’ said a disgruntled Chris Strovinsky, now an ex-Harper supporter.