Monthly Archives: May 2006

New York – Tensions about avian flu outbreaks around the world are flying high as the media and the World Health Organization continue to warn us of an incoming judgment day where riots, paranoia and anarchy will rule supreme right up until the bit where we all keel over and die.

Fear on the grapevine is spreading like wildfire and can be found on almost all levels of human society. ‘There are rumours of underground factions working in conjunction to bring an end to humanity and usher a feathered Utopia as foretold in one of our many Holy texts.’ Said Reverend DaFellinci, ‘Not sure which one, but I am sure it is in there somewhere, probably written in some sort of code.’

‘Homo Sapiens are under attack.’ Added retired NYU Professor Frederick Andhaje, ‘Chicks are behind the pandemic. Some of them escape from farms you see, and get together in packs. I can almost see it, some seedy red-lit hideout, toying the avian flu back and for between each other, masterminding how they will transmit it onto us. I do not need to have forgotten my pills to know those chicks are up to no good.’

A few sketchy online sources describe underground bunkers representing a clear and present danger to out existence. On one www.thefeatheredfarside.com an article by a forum member who wished to remain anonymous stated: ‘not in a million years would I have ever thought the fourth Horseman to be a chicken.’ The author finished his essay with this grim statement ‘…I am hypothesizing the existence of a vast network working in isolated cells, working independently from each other. Thus making it very hard to track them down. Novus Ordo Mundi man! Novus Ordo Mundi!’ Since this story was printed the site has mysteriously gone offline.

Until the reckoning day comes Media analysts admit the best thing citizens can do is educate themselves about the danger and watch more TV. Just last week, most American channels from ABC to CNN showed no less than five movies of the week and prime-time documentaries highlighting and surmising our avian pandemic demise. When asked if the media was basing their obviously exaggerated portrayal of the flu on fear and the May Sweeps, a NBC spokesperson said ‘Well, duh.’

Naperville – Phillips R. Sacks, a veteran greeter at the local Wal-Mart would like to let Mary Reighton know he is still waiting at Kit-Kat Tsunami, a trendy downtown pool lounge and tobacco shop to begin their first date.

‘Sure, she didn’t seem interested at first, but things change. I remember there was a time last week when she wouldn’t even talk to me. Persistence pays off.’

The date began last Friday night when he arrived at Kit-Kat at around 8:00pm. Mr. Sacks spent the first three hours playing pool, then had a few beers and since then has sustained himself on a mixture of free peanuts, water and lots speciality coffee. ‘Women are always late so I don’t think much of it.’

Andrew Beers added his establishment being open 24/7 is what has kept him from removing Mr. Sacks from the premises. We normally have a $5 per person seating policy and he has been spending $5.25 every hour he’s been here. I want the good folk of Naperville to know Kit-Kat stands by its policies. Even if he starting to reek. So if you want to have a good time Kit-Kat is the place to be. Remember we do parties, weddings and catered events; look us up in the yellow pages. Our prices ar—’ When reminded the article was about Mr. Sacks endeavour, he added ‘Yeah, what a chump. He hasn’t moved off that sofa and the wait staff are beginning to complain. If he stays for another day, the stench is going to get pretty bad. The moment he runs dry, he is out of here.’

Mr. Sacks met Miss Reighton at his job where she was a customer. ‘It was attraction at first sight. Mind you she gave me quite the chase. I almost lost her twice, around the toy aisle and when she hid in the women’s change room. She was sneaky, she thought I would not dare but that is how you impress a girl.’

Mrs. Reighton was contacted but we were unable to reach her for comment.

Naperville – Phillips R. Sacks, a veteran greeter at the local Wal-Mart would like to let Mary Reighton know he is still waiting at Kit-Kat Tsunami, a trendy downtown pool lounge and tobacco shop to begin their first date.

‘Sure, she didn’t seem interested at first, but things change. I remember there was a time last week when she wouldn’t even talk to me. Persistence pays off.’

The date began last Friday night when he arrived at Kit-Kat at around 8:00pm. Mr. Sacks spent the first three hours playing pool, then had a few beers and since then has sustained himself on a mixture of free peanuts, water and lots speciality coffee. ‘Women are always late so I don’t think much of it.’

Andrew Beers added his establishment being open 24/7 is what has kept him from removing Mr. Sacks from the premises. We normally have a $5 per person seating policy and he has been spending $5.25 every hour he’s been here. I want the good folk of Naperville to know Kit-Kat stands by its policies. Even if he starting to reek. So if you want to have a good time Kit-Kat is the place to be. Remember we do parties, weddings and catered events; look us up in the yellow pages. Our prices ar—’ When reminded the article was about Mr. Sacks endeavour, he added ‘Yeah, what a chump. He hasn’t moved off that sofa and the wait staff are beginning to complain. If he stays for another day, the stench is going to get pretty bad. The moment he runs dry, he is out of here.’

Mr. Sacks met Miss Reighton at his job where she was a customer. ‘It was attraction at first sight. Mind you she gave me quite the chase. I almost lost her twice, around the toy aisle and when she hid in the women’s change room. She was sneaky, she thought I would not dare but that is how you impress a girl.’

Mrs. Reighton was contacted but we were unable to reach her for comment.

Toronto – For years Dove Soap has boasted the quality of their product by ramming us with ‘mild cleansing ingredients.’ Over and over and from all directions in the hope we would end up accepting them, maybe even enjoy them. What is more disturbing is their utter refusal to publicly share the composition of those mild cleansing ingredients and to a lesser extend letting us in on what comprises the remaining ‘non’ mild cleansing ingredients. ‘It was only a matter of time before conspiracy theorists began flocking. They knew we would start to take notice and began speculating what exactly Dove was made of. Just like the roves of scientists and priests who until this very day still wonder what is Ivory soap –Dove’s archenemy and competitor in the soap racket– 99% pure of. Pure what? Dried dove droppings? Cocaine? Children bits? It is a complete mystery.’ Said Walter Deminski, a professional conspiracy theorist.

‘I have worked on many conspiracies in the past like the JFK assassination, the Iraq Wars and the ‘How do they put the Caramel inside the Caramilk bar? paradox. But this one has us baffled. I devised the Soylent Green theory, but I know others are salivating for the credit. I just know it.’ When asked why they could not simply throw a sample under a microscope and do a chemical analysis Mr. Deminski added, ‘You mean, like a real test? No we can’t. That costs money. You know, with the Prime Minister being a CSIS operative and taxing us to death, most conspiracy theorist can barely afford smokes and groceries. But, shhh…don’t tell anyone I said that.’

Dove recently launched a new ‘Campaign for Real Beauty,’ an ad campaign designed to challenge unrealistic images of women in advertising but only as long as they buy Dove products. ‘They knew we were closing in,’ said Mr. Deminski. ‘They knew it. I suspected they would drop it. They wouldn’t risk us figuring it out. Another mystery solved!’

– This and other NewsBriefs are printed on the Toike Okie. U of T’s premier satirical source since 1908. –