Newsbrief X: Good Samaritan And Ex-Ornithologist Perishes After Attacked And Devoured By Ravenous Pigeons

New York – In a disastrous instance of bloody and feathered irony, 83-year-old Anthony Greath met his untimely demise while feeding the very birds he had spent the last 37 years of his life studying.

Mr. Greath had been in the same spot at The Pond in Central Park near 59th street, ready to do his weekly feeding of ‘his pigeons,’ a ritual he had been keeping religiously for the last 37 years.

“He even had a special recipe for them, (he) never told me what was in it, but I always suspected it contained bananas, bread crumbs, honey, nuts and maybe some weeds. My husband always said it drove them crazy.” Mr. Greath’s widow said before breaking down in a river of tears.

According to witnesses, a swarm of pigeons numbering in the hundreds surrounded Mr. Greath as they eagerly waited for their benefactor to begin brunch. Unfortunately, the senior citizen who had complaining of a sore knee joint earlier that day, tripped on the two full half-gallon containers spilling its content and effectively douching himself from chest to toe with his secret recipe.

“It was a case of pure ‘Pavlov’s Dogs’ behavior gone haywire.” Said John Steinberg a grad student at NYU. “It was insane to watch! It was like, one of those things you read in the Darwin awards. They zeroed on him like Bush to an oil field. Once he was on the floor, it was over. I had my camera with me, but in the frenzy, I only got two shots.

Mr. Greath’s screams for help did gather a number of spectators who thinking it to be a show of some sort hesitated to intervene, “It was like watching Hitchcock’s The Birds but for real, everybody was laughing until the minute the birds started to dissipate and we noticed there was nothing left. Eewww! I am still nauseous of just thinking about it. I don’t think I can sleep with my two canaries in the same room anymore.” A female-witness was reported as saying.

Forensic investigators at the scene were utterly disgusted at the lack of victim’s remains. “I have seen murders, bear and wolf mauling victims throughout my career, but nothing could have prepared me for this.” Said Dr. Mulroney, a twenty-year veteran with the NYPD. “One would assume that after 30 plus years of studying the damn things, he would’ve known the risk he was taking every time he pulled a crazy stunt like that. There was barely anything left to id him with, even for dental. Poor bastard.”

“This would be the 27th death on Central Park in the last two years, but it would be the first in the park’s 138 year history to credit the cause of death to ravenous pigeons. Really, this is the weirdest thing I have ever heard.” Said Park Warden Lt. Lendford.

“Do you have any idea of how many pigeons there are in the Central Park? Do you know how much it would cost to get rid of them? We are in the middle of a budget crunch, maybe if this had happened at the beginning of the fiscal year, things would have been different, maybe… or maybe not.”

Central Park officials, who are determined for this tragedy to never repeat itself have banned all senior citizens or “any other folk” who are unable to run away from hungry pigeons in case they are attacked within the park grounds.

On a related note, a number of TV production companies have been trying to start negotiations with Mrs. Greath with the intention to purchase the rights to tell Mr. Greath’s story as a movie of the week extravaganza. “This stuff is gold!” Said Fox TV Executive Frank Sherburne, “We had been scratching our heads to the bone looking for ideas for a new reality based movie. If we get it, we’ll run it right after our smash hit: ‘Who wants to beat a cop?’ Fox will own Friday nights again!”

This is a collection of ‘Bruck articles’ that have appeared in The Torontonian Blog. A collection of strange musings which have somehow in some way inspired twisted black humour and sometimes the surreal. You can’t be found guilty if you laugh. Think of it as twisted mental comfort food.

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