Mauricio Alas

Author: Mauricio Alas

  • Obama’s Lifts Stem Research Ban: Religious Right Applauds!

    San Francisco – In a bold move President Obama signed an executive order lifting the ban on stem research instituted back in 2001 by the Bush Administration. The order signed on March 9th is being hailed as ‘exciting news’ throughout the scientific community as it re-opens the path for possible cures for a myriad of diseases and disorders which affect millions of people, such as Parkinson’s, diabetes and cardiac malfunctions, just to name a few. Needless to say this is bound to ignite some fury in partisan groups who see this move as not only a declaration of being in touch with the 21st century but a middle finger to all that is moral in Christian values, like the Crusades.

    ‘We could not be happier,” said Cardial John Matthew, ‘this is a sign of the times which Christians everywhere should rejoice. We are moving one step closer to Jesus and the Holy Father,’ and Cardinal Matthew is not alone, back in the US shouts of exilihartion are being heard in religious quarters most evil, Godless soul-dead non-believers would not expect to hear. ‘Obama has really proven to be Satan’s lapdog and a harbinger, we could not be happier! It’s fabulous! It is obvious the Rapture is a coming soon. From now on he can do anything he might was well he pleases, I am just going to sit on a lawnchair and crack open a Bud. I am going ot heaven, he is not!’ added Pastor Ned Haggard, ‘By the way, it’s with an “N” not a “T.”

     A spokeperson for The End Is Now, a Christian interest group in San Francisco whose main mandate is to inform people of the upcoming Doom’s Day has hailed the move as imperative to the end of times. ‘Steve, one of our members, who was watching the signing on the news swore he heard hoofs of four horses coming from the TV, I am sure he was joking but we were sooo high that afternoon… Who knows? Either way, I will step on the side of caution and believe him. Hey, you aren’t going to write the thing about being high on your article, right?’

    On the West coast, MSNBC reports ‘Supporters of Change’ a Pro-Choice group are very optimistic while hailing the unsung heroes, mostly actors and politicians –no one would have cared if a dentist becomes a quadupligic after a horsing accident– who would had quietly aided the pro-movement on Stem Research had they not gotten sick and paraded stem research to whomever listened. ‘They are real heroes, we are just having a party in their behalf on April 1st at Hooter’s private party room. If you are coming, we have made arrangements at 7:00pm, remember it’s BYOB. It may take a while, but chances are it will saves lives. We are with the Religious right on this one, what does a stem cell look like anyways?’

  • Editorial: About That Last Post

    NOTE: READ PREVIOUS POST FIRST.

    Stem Research, why are people okay with this?

    Perhaps in the end, perhaps people are tired of an old parable book telling me to throw sheep off a cliff to clean my sins. Wait that’s the old Testament. Okay, New Testament, because it says if someone smacks your cheek then that I should give him the other — good moral. What a great book! Wait, later it read that if someone hits your cheek to smack him back. Eye for an eye!

    Are people tired of ancient bi-polarism trying to rule people’s daily lives?. The fact is that when it starts saving lives, Religion as a whole will probably just quietly accept it, as no one is disputing the earth is the center of the universe anymore.

    Food for thought, technically, are you allow to ‘refuse’ treatment as the Bible says you cannot choose to take your own life which if you refuse treatment isn’t that like doing the same? Only God can do that, right?

    Aha, Religion backpedals itself into vagueness yet again. People might be tired about that.
    Also because religion per se has nothing to do with this topic, as there is no difference in between killing an embryo which would have been a life than a man masturbating, washing the sheet and killing millions of possible (half) humans. Harsh but a point to think about.

    Either way, I am sure everyone is going to be waiting to see results.

  • Hunting Through The Job-o-Sphere

    If you swing a cat down a street, chances are you will hit someone looking for a job or someone counting their lucky stars they have one. ‘It seems no one feels very safe at the moment,’ a friend warned. ‘You should feel lucky too.’

    Apparently, one can’t switch on a TV without fear mongering smacking you in face in the form of news anchors warning you, your neighbour and swinging cats in general of the hole in the mud the economy is right now.

    And are we? In a word, yes. It seems we have been face first in it for quite sometime, just didn’t know it. Yet even with all these fears, I am still prepping my resume for a excursion into the land of employers.

    The word on the street is that for every job posting out there,  Human Resources personnel are getting waist deep in resumes. Not like they did not get swamped before, although metaphorically speaking it seems back then it was only about ankle-deep, and that my friends, was considered business as usual. But not anymore.

    So, here I am, typing away. Borrowing ideas from one employers’ list of job qualifications and unmercifully pasting them onto my resume. Let’s see… One from that job off Monster.ca… another from Workopolis.com and a third off Craigslist, its like cherry picking in July! The idea behind such intellectual borrowing is that in the end, you have filled your resume with exactly what you can do for the employer, which at times is less than what you can actually perform, however one is not here to prove your ego but to prove you can align your strengths to theirs. If you want to apply for a Marketing position and you can also Ethernet their entire office network on top of that, chances are they will not give you the job. As such, delete the Ethernet part, emphasize your MS-Office wizardry ‘Look everyone! I too can print in Word!’ Thank God for the highly payed government sponsored recruiter who shared that little gold nugget.    

    ‘Tell rather than show.’ That is a good piece of advise I picked off  an employment advise website. “Show your accomplishments!’ another generic site went on, ‘Avoid being like the rest!’ Okay, got it! I am so pumped up!

    ‘Don’t bore a HR manager with crazy antics’ cries another. Uh, alright, so I will use New Times Roman, can’t go wrong with the classics, then BOOM, another site demands you use anything but New Times Roman as it is antiquate and old fashioned. ‘HR Managers see hundreds of resumes a day, they expect you to be different!’ Arrgggh!

    Anyone with a pulse will agree of the sheer disgust that is writing your own resume. Akin to a mixture of Chinese water torture and being flambeyed alive; somewhere among those two is in the happy median where the typing and retying your resume resides. It is a necessary evil, of course, ‘Or stay in your crappy job then!’ is often be the rebuttal of many site and indeed they are right.

    Thus I hammer on trying to be distinct… HR managers like that… but not too much, HR managers apparently  that too. Finally, after two hours, I finally extracted the juice out of the words I originally started with. We are talking liquid gold ladies and gentleman. I write yet another cover-letter and press send. Thank God that is over… Oh wait, there are another nineteen job posting to go. DAMN!
    Drip. Drip. Drip.

  • Valentine’s Has Passed!

    Not everyone can get to be an everyday hero on Valentine’s. Not everyone gets to come to the aid of a box full of kittens in front of their beloved’s lustful gaze; feed a homeless person a banana or purchase cigarettes for a minor. For those lucky to be attached during or around February the 14th, chances are you did “OK.” You purchased that nice, hopefully thoughtful gift or experience the melodrama of making reservations at a restaurant during Western society’ most marketed holiday after Santa Claus’ day.

    But I ask of you, what about the underdogs? Those people out there who neither fame nor riches has helped them in their quest for that especial someone? There are people out there, not only joe-six-pack or divorcered soccer moms, these are people of the social elite who have at one point been a victim of Cupid’s sardonic humour rather than helped by the steward of love that has been engraved in our heads thanks to endless marketing.

    True Valentine Horror Stories

    Now that Hallmark’s holiday has come and gone is time to call it what it is: a “Hallmark’s Holiday” and that is to put it nicely –as this is a quality, respectful blog— Valentine’s Day has become far too glamorized. Not everything is roses and chocolates out there. Sometimes it’s a war zone where your heart is no man’s land. Don’t believe it? Then you are deluded and probably on some cheap meds. As such, if you are lucky to have survived with your ego intact then maybe you won’t get suckered into Valentine’s next year. Still don’t believe? Then here are the experiences of some poor celebrity testimnials from souls who have been scarred for life:

    Mark Hamill:
    ‘I finally worked the nerve to ask this lady I had been eyeing since ’96. The date was going great, until I couldn’t help to murmur to myself: ‘The force is strong with you tonight, Luke…’ Suddenly, she twitched in horror and said, ‘Oh, you are THAT guy.’ She then excused herself to the ladies room never to be heard from again. I should really stop reliving the past.’

    Paul Martin:
    ‘I lost my cushy ass job; my gerbil turned NDP and Harper is now wearing my old jammies! How would you feel?’

    Paris Hilton:
    ‘I like told my boyfriend of the week we could get a room and make a sex tape. And like, he got all upset. I don’t get it.’

    Eddie Murphy:
    ‘Actually, I am happily married, but my agent can’t get me any auditions so I had to settle for you people. I am starving here. How come no one told me I can’t sing for shit?’

    Britney Spears:
    ‘I asked Kevin to surprise me on Valentine’s Day. He got up really early for once, then went out and got a real job at a Jack in the Box but got fired the same day for slacking. I wasn’t surprised, but somehow I got pregnant, again. BUY MY ALBUM!

    Bill Gates:
    ‘I am also married, but I was wondering when you would show up…’

    Kate Moss:
    ‘So he opened this baggie, I thought it was baby talc, I swear!’

    Colin Ferell:
    Why am I on this list?

    Angelina Jolie:
    I am with Colin. Who are you fucking people?