Mauricio Alas

Tag: Bruck

  • Obama’s Lifts Stem Research Ban: Religious Right Applauds!

    San Francisco – In a bold move President Obama signed an executive order lifting the ban on stem research instituted back in 2001 by the Bush Administration. The order signed on March 9th is being hailed as ‘exciting news’ throughout the scientific community as it re-opens the path for possible cures for a myriad of diseases and disorders which affect millions of people, such as Parkinson’s, diabetes and cardiac malfunctions, just to name a few. Needless to say this is bound to ignite some fury in partisan groups who see this move as not only a declaration of being in touch with the 21st century but a middle finger to all that is moral in Christian values, like the Crusades.

    ‘We could not be happier,” said Cardial John Matthew, ‘this is a sign of the times which Christians everywhere should rejoice. We are moving one step closer to Jesus and the Holy Father,’ and Cardinal Matthew is not alone, back in the US shouts of exilihartion are being heard in religious quarters most evil, Godless soul-dead non-believers would not expect to hear. ‘Obama has really proven to be Satan’s lapdog and a harbinger, we could not be happier! It’s fabulous! It is obvious the Rapture is a coming soon. From now on he can do anything he might was well he pleases, I am just going to sit on a lawnchair and crack open a Bud. I am going ot heaven, he is not!’ added Pastor Ned Haggard, ‘By the way, it’s with an “N” not a “T.”

     A spokeperson for The End Is Now, a Christian interest group in San Francisco whose main mandate is to inform people of the upcoming Doom’s Day has hailed the move as imperative to the end of times. ‘Steve, one of our members, who was watching the signing on the news swore he heard hoofs of four horses coming from the TV, I am sure he was joking but we were sooo high that afternoon… Who knows? Either way, I will step on the side of caution and believe him. Hey, you aren’t going to write the thing about being high on your article, right?’

    On the West coast, MSNBC reports ‘Supporters of Change’ a Pro-Choice group are very optimistic while hailing the unsung heroes, mostly actors and politicians –no one would have cared if a dentist becomes a quadupligic after a horsing accident– who would had quietly aided the pro-movement on Stem Research had they not gotten sick and paraded stem research to whomever listened. ‘They are real heroes, we are just having a party in their behalf on April 1st at Hooter’s private party room. If you are coming, we have made arrangements at 7:00pm, remember it’s BYOB. It may take a while, but chances are it will saves lives. We are with the Religious right on this one, what does a stem cell look like anyways?’

  • The Happy Hormone Presents — How To Be An Internet Playa!

    Aren’t you tired of the dating scene? Where the good looking horde all the attention? Flashing their dimples and smothering everyone with their blasted Darwinian advantage?

    Well, it was only a matter of time before technology and the human mating dance met face to face, went out for a few drinks and ended up in a Super 8! The result? A cyber-jungle of IM services plus a volley of single, dating and discrete encounters sites. A scene not much different than the de-humanizing meat-markets found in any half lit nightclub on a Friday night, it seemed like things are just going to be business as usual.

    BUT WAIT!

    With the invention of that great equalizer known as the Internet, it is finally irrelevant if you are shy or if your friends call you a Picasso come to life!

    THERE IS MORE!

    Now not only the ludicrously hot (not you) and extroverted (again, not you) can enjoy the sinful pleasures of straying into the fancy of multiple partners, whether you like it or not!

    BUT WAIT!

    ‘How does this remarkable system, undoubtedly created by a sage in the arts of seduction works,’ you ask?

    Simple, I made it a personal quest to travel the world, hopping from frisky Jamaica, to romantic Paris and to the ironically more laissez-faire city of Amsterdam to research and collect data. The rest of Europe, Asia, and Africa were also on the itinerary—somewhere— but unfortunately, I got as far as the mythical city of London, Ontario before running out of funds and forced to find a Money-Mart to buy the bus trip home. Either way, after ten minutes of Googling, I was able to extract the elixir to create this revolutionary system.

    WOW, I AM GETTING A LITTLE EXCITED!

    Yes, and you should be.

    TELL ME MORE!

    As part of your guide into history, you will receive my smouldering ‘How to be an Internet Player’ guide, smack full of essays, wisdom and ‘how-to’ nuggets. Such as:

    Chapter I:

    Don’t offer to buy her a drink, you stupid.

    Chapter II:

    Typos as the lubricant of Internet love.

    Chapter VI (a):

    Stretching the truth by saying ‘I love you.’ Is just another way of saying ‘I like you.’

    Chapter VI (b):

    Instant Messengers are crude forms of communication, so what if you said you are 5’11’?

    Chapter VI (c):

    Having a six pack means different things to different people. How to just go with it.

    Chapter VI (d):

    Ask her who in Hollywood she thinks is hot; then tell her you just happen to be his look-alike! If you have any qualms with this, refer to Chapter II.

    Chapter X:

    How come the women in the Lavalife website don’t look anything like the ones in the commercials? The mystery explained!

    Chapter XII:

    How to type with only your left hand!

    Chapter XV:

    Avoid obstacles! Don’t start off by talking about Star-Trek, Star Wars, Stargate, Starship Troopers or anything that begins with the word ‘Star.’ Example: I think Star Jones is hot.

    Chapter XX:

    So she ended up being a man? How to just go with it. Not everything is lost. Is she post-op?

    Chapter XXV:

    Play the numbers. Email every single woman in the entire dating site. Including the webmaster, the dating and ISP support staff, remember, you are not being desperate, just passionate.

    THIS IS PURE LITERARY GOLD… I AM SALIVATING!
     

    Yes, but there is more! Aside this soon to-be New York best seller, you will also get my 24\7 email support in case you have any questions. Yes, I will personally read and analyze your concerns and will advise in true mentor fashion. Send me your questions and orders to: Sendmeyourmoney@techemail.com

    IS THERE A CATCH?
    Are diamonds ever free? Most women have to get married just to get one. But don’t worry; you don’t have to marry me. I will settle for only five easy payments of $19.95! Yes, benefit from my lack of pride! You will be enjoying the benefits of this brilliant system in no time, whether you like it or not!

  • A Series of Unimportant Events (I)

    Friends always tell me I tend to meet strange people everywhere I go. My defence usually goes along the lines of “Hey, I am friendly; people tend to end opening up, that’s not my fault! Sometimes they tell me stories they would not tell anyone else and… well, we all have quirks. So when I tell you about them, it sounds like an above average number of people who are like that. However, I am sure we all have them, both friends and stories although we just don’t tend to share the latter.” Or something like that. Really.

    Take a few nights ago for example. I was at a bar and a girl was trying to unbutton my shirt. Sure, it doesn’t happen often, and yes, it is a great boost to one’s ego but all this was happening right at the bar and for the amusement of all onlookers. I felt the need to say something. Like asking for her name but as a gentleman, I felt I would be intruding onto her dedication and defer fervent concentration from her craft, and trust me, it was taking her quite bit of concentration. ‘Vodka shots unwieldy fingers make,’ that is what I constantly warn my readers.

    Anyway, so after she tried to kiss me a few times –by the way, the locale in question is a rip off, a glass of table wine for $12??– Anyway, I asked to go for a cigarette to relax. Once outside, this woman turned into the perfect example why I would never date someone I meet at a club. Not only she almost got into fight with a random girl whose boyfriend was right there. Which meant that me, as the defacto guy in tow, almost got sucked into a fight I had no part of. But wait there is more! After I managed to talk everyone out of a lot of scratching, hair pulling and punching, she then decided to curl up into a corner and become an emotional wreck. We are not talking fender bender either, more like two monorails going 215 km\h and crashing into each other kinda of catastrophe. With wheels and metal shreds exploding and decapitating flying birds and small herbivores everywhere.

    All of the sudden she hated her job, her age, her life and just for kicks, me. To be honest, I was just standing there lighting a cigarette a few feet way. I knew we were just outside the lounge but I felt bad leaving her like that sobbing her problems away. Eventually her guy friend came out and asked me what as wrong with her.

    ‘Life.’ I said, ‘But Vodka helped.’
    ‘Ah.’ Then he asked me for a light.
    ‘Take it she gets like this…’
    ‘Sometimes.’
    ‘You are just friends?’
    ‘Oh yeah.’
    ‘Is she single?’
    ‘Oh, yeah.’

    She then glimpsed at us, squinted and called us losers. Her friend then moved closer and asked her what has wrong? She replied by slapping his smoke off his hand. Then both stared at the lighted cigarette now on the ground. ‘That’s bad for you!’ she argued. He then came back to my side, rolled his eyes and said he was going back inside for another drink. The now obviously drunk girl (NoOdGi) left the safety of her corner and stumbled to a fountain about 75 feet away. I followed. After repeating her ‘I hate my job, age and life’ mantra she decided to throw her purse, along with all its neat contents into said fountain. Then sat on the floor and cried some more. Wow.

    Out of human pity –as at this point it could not possibly be for any other reason– I looked into the fountain but the purse which was glittery white, blended with the incandescent yellow lights of he fountain just perfectly. Adding to this, the the fact it was night time, made the purse and the make up and cell phone invisible.

    A few minutes later, her friend came out and after catching on to what had happened, took off his shirt and began looking for the damn purse in the fountain. Looking and searching, working his way more by touch than by sight. Pictures of Pirates of the Caribbean came to mind. He couldn’t find it and Noodgi was getting pissed off. I could not help smirking at the sheer spectacle. At that moment Noodgi caught me and began insulting me. But can anyone take the insults of a drunken woman who threw her own purse, along with her car keys into a fountain seriously?

    Her friend couldn’t find the purse and he was getting pissed off. Why? Because he was going to get a ride from her –something I DID learn is that both of them lived in Mississauga– mostly thanks to his rantings of disbelief.

    It dawned on me that maybe just maybe, she may have overshot the fountain even though from my point of view it seemed like it had gone in. I decided to take a look a few feet further away where some patio chairs were located. As I went behind one of the chairs, lo and behold, guess what I found. A small white albeit now very dirty purse. I took it back to Noodgi, hanging off my index finger.

    ‘Is this yours?’ I asked.

    She then gave me a hug, said she loved me and began fidgeting with its contents. I asked the guy if they were okay to make it home, as there was no way she could drive. He said yes, he would probably wait it out until she sobered up. Noodgi then asked if I wanted another vodka shot. I said I would light another cigarette first.

    As they went inside, I remembered my tab was paid and all of my actual friends had gone home. As I finished my cigarette, I checked the time, found my bearings, found Yonge and King and walked for my life.

  • ZEN and Other Teachings

    1.) What is the sound of your head smashing into the ground?

    2-) What is the name of the erotic screams you hear from outside your girlfriend’s apartment when surprise her by taking the afternoon off.

    3-) A falling skyscraper is not best tool to be used as a sundial, especially if you are inside it.

    4-) If a computer is suicidal, does it reboot itself?

    5-) Love: Is like a gorgeous and rare flower, it dies

    6-) If a jackhammer falls out of the sky, hits you in the head and knocks you into a coma does that mean God doesn’t like you?

    7-) Suffering a stroke and a massive coronary failure simultaneously during orgasm blows.

    8- He who runs into incoming fire could be called courageous, I prefer ‘bullet sponge.’

    9-) Healthy living is alive in Mexico where running for the US border is an Olympic sport.

    10-) Enlarged brain tumour due to over use of cell phone verifies that brain size means nothing.

    11-) Art is dying! Don’t believe me? See Yoko Ono’s show, and cry.

    12-) “Royalty” is a romantic word for “Inbreeding.”